Ok, who here knows, without a shadow of a doubt (with or without the need for a test or assessment to tell you) that you have an addictive personality?!
I confess. I do. I recall not so very long ago a guy using his addictive personality trait as a way attract women. I am not too sure he quite understood the implications of being a potential addict, and I am sure he was thinking it meant that women would be drawn to his amazing personality and never want to leave him. The reality is more likely that he would turn into a raving stalker nut who some poor woman would never get rid of…wait…what am I admitting to here…
Yes, it’s true that you can get so attached to a person/object/ideal that it becomes an obsession. This is also why I gave up my 20-40 a day habit 21 years ago, rarely drink (apart from socially when I am not designated driver, and it’s not a school night), don’t do drugs or hold a battery of credit cards. Addiction makes you stupid, self-obsessed and greedy. Avoiding addiction is a conscious effort that gives you very little satisfaction. I don’t ever get that feeling of ‘oh yesssss’ when I have avoided a cigarette that I used to get when I lit up the first one of the day.
However! I always seem to be overly attached to something. I am pretty sure since I gave up smoking I have formed over-the-top connections to many other activities that might not be part of the usual ‘damaging’ addictive list, but the results are, for the duration of that action, I dream it, think it, create opportunities to satisfy my habit – all those things that addicts do. I know this is the case as I have to make a very conscious decision to withdraw or I know I won’t be able to give my full attention to whatever needs it. In recent years it’s been those games on facebook.
Farmtown was the first one that I had to give up just before starting university, or I knew I wouldn’t be able to devote the proper thinking time I needed to perform well. Each summer I would start a new game of whatever the top developer was offering as it’s best time-waster. I would play it avidly till the start of the new academic year, then I would sadly say goodbye to it. Now it’s Hay Day and I am at that stage of waking up in the middle of the night and checking if my boat has arrived or making sure Tom has an errand….seriously, do not play this game if addiction is your bag. So, it is coming to the time I must say good-bye to it, but not till I have bought the jam maker…ok?
I have been a little quiet for the last week as I’ve needed to get some serious written work done, and as I am pretty much almost very very nearly finished, I thought I would take a little time out to do a bit of blogging.
Still, I have managed to keep up with the art and crafts (critical for my line of work!) I have had a couple of pieces of artwork to get on with, including a lovely little terrier portrait in colour pencil. Animals seem to be a running theme at the moment, and I’m loving it!
Other than masses of written work (in the form of a business plan) and number crunching (cash flow), I have really enjoyed working with my beloved colour pencil. There was a time I wouldn’t touch one as it was too ‘babyish’ a tool for real art. I couldn’t possible create anything masterful with what is essentially, a child’s pencil case basic. Rather begrudgingly, I picked a packet of my children’s pencils up, and started rendering blocks of colour, then started blending and shading, and it didn’t take too long for me to realise I was able to create something quite pretty with them. My first colour pencil drawing was a little squirrel (I still have it somewhere) and my next was a highly polished still-life that still fools people to this day that it isn’t a photograph. The colour pencil had gone from something dismissive and far too amateurish a tool, to something I now revere. So much so I now have a huge collection of them!! All hail the colour pencil 😀
There, I have finally said it. Those who know me will know that isn’t an unusual statement from me, but I tend to keep those sorts of comments to private conversations. Now and then I’ll share a link on facebook that will hint at my frustration for this country (UK) but more often than not, I keep silent. But my silence is starting to weigh on my conscience. I do believe that you are guilty if knowingly say nothing when things are obviously not right, and I have had enough of saying nothing. Perhaps the biggest reason for saying nothing is that I do not have a solution to the problems we face. At least, I know I can’t change anything over night.
What I can do is make small changes and improvements to our lives as citizens of the United Kingdom (soon to not be so united if Scotland get their independence.) What I can do is calmly (cough) and systematically work through all the issues and wrongs that are connected to us as a family unit. What I can do is improve our status, while being mindful of those around us. What I can do, when the time comes, is be a good employer who pays an honest wage and provides decent working conditions. What I can do is encourage my children to work hard and well at whatever they choose to do. What I can do is ensure I pay the right taxes for my income. Will any of these steps make a difference? Well, they will and do to my immediate circle. And it can only be through these small steps that we make a difference and generate a positive impact. If I were to throw my hands up and give up trying to make life better then I would have to accept unconditionally all that is thrown at me. No complaints. And I just can’t do that.
I have kept my promise! I have turned into a bit of a paper critter addict…adding to this Syrian hamster are the four below, and a lovely French Bulldog that has already found a new home.
It has just turned from Monday morning to Monday afternoon and it is a beautiful day. I am lucky that I have a picture window to my left with a view to the garden beyond. The garden is looking a little weather ravaged, but the blue sky and winter sun is making up for the randomly wind placed small branches and twigs, as well as the blown-over swing seat.
My original plan for this morning had to be postponed in order for me to sort out the piles of sh*t left for me by various agencies over the weekend. Now I’ve done as much as I can there it has left my afternoon rather blissfully task free. That isn’t to say I don’t have things I need to be doing, but I can afford a few minutes to just enjoy the peace and quiet of my office area. I can hear a drill somewhere, and various bangs from the workshop next door. A dog is barking and a rather delicate and musical sneeze just echoed through wall. It is definitely a good time to be counting blessings and feeling grateful. To just enjoy the moment. Sometimes we get so caught up in the hassle and hustle of every day living that we forget to just sit still.
There’s a saying I like to use when I think I am too busy to stop. “Meditate for half an hour a day, and if you are busy, meditate for an hour”. I personally like to meditate, but I know many don’t. For those that don’t I definitely recommend spending time to just sit. I prefer to sit near a window if I can’t be outside, but anywhere will do (not when you’re driving though, please). Switch off any noise and distractions you can, TV, radio, music, phone (or put them on silent for a while) close your eyes and open your ears. Breathe in deeply through your nose, hold that breathe for a second, then exhale through your mouth. Then breathe normally while you take in the sounds around you. In your mind’s eye, see where you are, the building you are in, the structures around you. See the landscape beyond. Feel how comfortable and safe you are, right now, this minute. Allow yourself this time off and away from your busy day. Now take a deep breath again, release and open your eyes. You’ve just given yourself some time out – and it didn’t take too long out of your busy day 🙂
I realised the other day that I have become bogged down with day to day stuff and have sort of forgotten the joy of creating art and craft for the sake of it. Over the Christmas holidays I had the constant company of my youngest who is also very creative, and watching her flip from writing to textile craft to drawing to beading and then restarting the cycle, reminded me of what I am missing. Just the joy of doing something that doesn’t have a defined goal and objective at the end of it. So she and I had a craft afternoon together when the others were out and/or at work and it was such a good soul-food experience that I have decided to make sure I do something creative every day, and on days when I don’t have time I will definitely do something creative! Like my little one (who turned 11 yesterday so isn’t so little), my loves are textiles, drawing, paper craft and writing.
Actually she and I are very similar in lots of ways but as her exposure to some really quite challenging crafts has been a lot earlier than mine, so I am expecting she will be far more accomplished than I was, should she want to be. She is an accomplished seamstress and is a complete whiz on her little sewing machine. And watching her wield scissors and fine needles is something to behold. Just lately she has developed a passion for creative writing, which is helping her no end in her quest to overcome the ravages of Dyslexia (spelling, word formation, reading, etc). Also I have just noticed her craft and sewing box is bigger than mine…hmm, looks like I have competition 😀
So, anyway, as I was saying, a craft a day is my aim, for now at least, until I can get my head back into how much I enjoy it mode again. I started with textile crafts in the holidays but have moved onto my more recently favoured (thanks to university) paper craft.
Fits neatly into the palm of your hand.
Above is the little paper dog I made last night. And below is my lil’un on her sewing machine.
Possibly one of the most irritating (but conversely, soothing) things about learning differences is how much of a stickler you need to be to get through your day. For me, it’s time keeping. I cannot function without some sort of timepiece. I was able to tell the time well, before I could read. I plan journeys to the minute. And as for being late…no, just NO!
This morning I woke up to the sound of my phone informing me of an incoming text at 6:40am, and on seeing the time I groaned at the prospect of losing almost an hour of my morning. Not only do I like to keep time, I also like to get up early and start my day in the blissful morning peace, with the darkness beyond the window as my companion, and if possible, before the birds wake up.
So, I didn’t quite manage to get everything I wanted to do before the kids and birds were up this morning, and I am still trying to catch up! Tidying up my office space isn’t on the cards, so this is pretty much my space as of 4 minutes ago. I am very blessed to have such a great space to write and work in. And, this is one of two great spaces I have! My studio space is just as wonderful.
Studio space photo really does need updating! This photo was taken just before I gave the presentation I had to give to join the art group. It is a lovely place to work…although this space looks rather bare! Doesn’t look like that now. Maybe a studio tour post will be worth doing at some point in the future?
However! I digress! Another thing that is good at eating up my time is getting side-tracked and distracted – I am a bit of a magpie for that, which is probably why time is so important as it serves to remind me to get back on the ‘right’ path!
And today I am writing my business plan…yeah, right 😉
I have just realised my new year starts at a slightly different point than that standard 1st of January. Or the changeable Chinese New Year (31st of January this year). It actually dawns of the 10th of January, tomorrow. Along with my own new year date comes a taking of stock and a nod to wear I’ve been and how far I have come, and we have come. As my new year of the 10th of January only started 6 years ago, it is still fairly new, and yet in that time I have:
Moved house twice, including clearing, packing, organising, unpacking, etc, etc etc, the whole thing. The first time my eldest was 14 and youngest was 5. The second time my eldest was 18 and youngest was 9 – second time was much easier! Both moves were down sizes, so both required huge clear-outs. Loved both moves.
Learnt to drive. Took me a year and one failed test. It is still one of my most favourite achievements to date (after having kids that is). Bought my first car.
Went back into education. Firstly just one morning a week, then full time university for 4 years. Loved every minute of it.
Got divorced. I can’t say I celebrate this, but it is notable nonetheless.
Completed the Race for Life. Epic wonderfulness.
Stood up to one local authority, and won. Shouldn’t have had to do it in the first place, but given that I did, I am so proud I managed it.
‘Diagnosed’ with Dyslexia. This is here as, after I recovered from the shock of it and stopped being angry with everyone (and myself) for not noticing sooner (I was 41 when it was ‘discovered’), I embraced the difference fully and started to understand my coping mechanisms. Two of my children are also Dyslexic, so we share tips and understanding.
Graduated with a 2:1 in Fine Art. Say no more.
Became a student representative and was nominated for Faculty rep of the year. Loved that too.
Learnt to love public speaking. Now, if you had known me 6 years ago at this point I could barely caste my gaze off the ground, so to be able to stand in front of a room full of people and debate the merits of employment education, give talks on artists, debate with lecturers about the strengths of another’s work, etc, well, let’s say, you wouldn’t recognise me.
Gave a presentation that enabled me to join the artist group I am now with. This is my future.
Taken part in and/or co-organised 5 exhibitions in the last year.
Found myself. I didn’t know I was lost till I discovered myself. This is a good thing, although I think age has turned me into a bit of a gobshite at times. Tough.
Had therapy. Fabulous stuff. If you are willing to work hard on yourself, this is so worth it.
Discovered my ‘other’ side. The bit that makes me special. 😀
Got a paid job, and another voluntary one.
Rekindled and maintained my relationship with my father.
Found love – couldn’t find it elsewhere until I learnt to love myself again.
And many many more things, this list seems tiny compared to what I have achieved, but this is perhaps the most palatable (for want of a better word) and publishable. This list is not in any particular order. So, it has been a busy 6 years. Here’s to the next six!
Over the years I have had many a strange look from the general public while out with my brood. When they were younger we did take on the appearance of the Pied Piper with a gaggle of little rugrats trailing behind, but these days it is much less likely that we are out all together, so I had forgotten the age old questions and stares. These days, the only regular evidence I have of them is my huge trolley full of food as I make my way around my local Aldi store once a week. Perhaps mildly more offensive than the sidelong stares have been the comments regarding their parentage, although in all honesty, you’d have to be blind not to see the family resemblances in them all. And, what does it matter anyway? The is reality, most people have been happy to see my small tribe, and even more so when they have spent time with them and observed their relatively good behaviour.
So, today is weekly trolley dash day. I have got into the habit of planning meals for the week and writing shopping lists as it really helps when you’re on a budget. I work out before hand how much I can afford to spend each week, and plan meals accordingly. This means having to know at 6am on a Wednesday morning what food I’ll need for the week, so that I am ready to head to the supermarket as early as my youngest will allow (ie, when she’s gone to school). Keeping children fed is a bit of a mission, as is keeping clothes clean and the house liveable. I have realised that to manage all that, on top of my own work means I am up half an hour earlier now, than I was when I was at university full time. It is just as well I am a workaholic, and that I enjoy it! 😀
Possibly the strangest thing of all in this house full of teenagers is how quiet it often is. They are all so busy doing their own thing/working/studying/at college and school that it is easy to forget they were ever charging around screaming and shouting, or that I ever had to herd them all up and get them into the bath and bed. Sometimes I miss the hustle and bustle of small children. But mostly, I don’t. (Peace mannn….).
So, yes, they are all mine, and my cupboards and refrigerator are full again, but not for long.
I was going to be all grown up and set out my goals for the year, but I can’t. I feel that writing them down will jinx them, and will also somehow prevent me from doing other things as well. Last year I set out to graduate, which I did, and I also did a whole load of other stuff besides. This year I am doing the same sort of open book/blank page type of thing. Don’t get me wrong, I have a list of things I want to accomplish, but I do find as soon as I have written them down, the power has somehow dissipated and I am more likely not to do them. But saying all that! I did put the word ‘Bless’ in my art journal yesterday, having said I would. So it isn’t impossible that I can’t set out a promise to myself. I have just realised I am less likely to do something if I verbalise it too. I am now wondering why that is…maybe I am just good at keeping things under wraps, but maybe, as I said the other day, I am just afraid of failing and would rather say nothing that disappoint myself.
Alison Leggatt's Blog 